Introduction: This week I have chosen letters belas mulheres Escandinava from those who met on the internet, were subsequently married, and are now having trouble adjusting. In both cases, they married soon after they met.

Dr. Harley,

I read your response to the Q & A’s (How to Meet the Need for Sexual Fulfillment (Part 1) and (Part 2)), but still need help .

Quick Background: I’m a 33 year old female, 2nd marriage to 40 year old male never married before. We met on Prodigy and he told me he was a Christian. Married 8 months later. First 5 months of marriage were okay, good sexually. After that, he started to lose his sex drive. We went from having sex every day to having it every once in awhile.

Ten months after marrying, I caught him having computer sex (he was at work, I signed onto our computer at home, under his i.d. and got his screen). Not only was he having dirty sex, he told the woman he was divorced. After I confronted him, he denied it, insisting it was a janitor or someone else on his computer. But 8 months later he finally confessed and I don’t think he’s doing computer sex anymore.

However, his sex drive is terrible. I’ve only wanted sex 3 times a week, or at least once, feeling it’s important to connect this way for marital intimacy. But we’ve gone 3 weeks with out making love, despite my advances, which he’s rejected throughout that 3 week period. I’ve asked him if he wants me to talk dirty, try new positions, what he likes, etc. etc. He always says everything’s good the way it is.

He refuses to go to counseling. I’ve tried leaving him alone, not pressuring him, surprising him creatively, reinforcing his desirability (he’s gained 75 lbs. and says his weight makes him self-conscious). I don’t know what else to do. We have no children, allowing the pleasure of spontaneity, and yet, he is never spontaneous. Sex is always pre-planned by appointment, which I’ve been receptive to for the sake of having sex.

I am very attractive, long brown hair, size 8-10 range, and I always dress nice for him, looking my best when he comes home from work. He is affectionate physically and complimentary and appreciative, so I am baffled by our sexual problems. I’d appreciate your perspective on my situation.

Dear B.K,

As you’ve already noticed, marriage has its surprises, and sex is usually one of them. You’d think two adults would be able to figure it out to each other’s satisfaction, but if you knew what was going on in most marriages, you would see that sexual incompatibility is the norm.

One of the problems with internet romance is that there is an illusion of honesty and openness. People who e-mail to each other assume that they are getting an unfiltered, even raw, glimpse into the lives of others. The truth is that there’s a lot of role playing going on, and when people fall in love on the internet, they may be falling in love with an actor, or at least only part of a person.

I’m not suggesting that people should avoid meeting people on the internet, or even avoid saying is that internet romance should lead to face-to-face relationships that last long enough to get to know the other person (I recommend two years), and have time to strip the facade that one of you may have created.

Getting to your problem, when you discuss your sexual frustration with him, he seems to be suggesting that it’s not a problem for him. If that’s the case, you should explain that it’s your problem and you would like him to help you solve it.